Here We Are Again

Looking for meaning in a pink plastic reclining pig. Keep looking; it’s there.

June 25. Graduation Day.

And also, that other day.

Here we are again. Bittersweetness shapes this day. Bitter because once again I’m remembering the day I lost a friend. And sweet because my beautiful boy is moving on to the next phase of his life. It’s also bitter because the little boy with the sweet smile is gone. In his stead is a young man with a cracking voice, ungainly and full of ideas of his own. It’s sweet because I’ll take time to recall some of the more nonsensical moments my friend and I had. (For instance, I can affirm that if not properly cared for, sake can indeed go bad).

It’s a day of mixed emotions.

It’s bittersweet because it is a moment of reflection that leaves me feeling disoriented. I’m at a threshold, both, looking forward and gazing back. I celebrate my son’s successes. I mourn the pieces of the child I’ll never have back. I’m keen to see what is to come for him. But I know my time with him is diminishing. And so, though on the surface this is a day of celebration, achievement, moving forward, the truth is that it leaves me more than a little melancholy too.

And so it’s fitting that today is also the anniversary of my friend’s death. In that too I mourn lost days. And I smile at the memories of good times (brainstorming uses for an industrial-sized jar of cheese-flavoured paste which shall go unnamed), his stories (playing Zeppelin on a church pipe organ), and the man he was (friend, father, husband, wallpaperist). It was a privilege to know him, to call him friend.

I’ve written about this before. Odd too, that once again I have a child passing a significant milestone on this day. The logic in me says that it’s simply a function of the calendar. We’re in the last throws of June, so it’s not so surprising that we’ve overlapped with another graduation. Still. The mind makes connections; it wants meaning. And that’s OK. Good even.

Because life is a string of experiences and we layer meaning onto them, linking them together to create a continuity of understanding. We look for links and connections in the unrelated. We find lessons in our experiences. We look for meaning in the moments. As parents we look for opportunities to guide our children toward experiences that can help shape them. We create opportunities for them to learn. We try to buffer and blunt the sharp edges. But life doesn’t guarantee any such dulling of the rough bits. All we can do is hope that we’ve prepared them well.

So how will I find meaning in this day?

First, I’ll work to enjoy a day with the generations that surround me. I will be surrounded by the people who came before me. Those who walk alongside me. And there are those who will come after. Like the boy. I’m going to try to impress upon my children yet again in my ham-fisted way, trying my best not to be too cliched, that time is a gift. Maybe that’s why watches are such popular presents. 

Second, the boy and I will be planting some hot pepper plants together today. It’s one of our things. We plant and raise up a variety of hot peppers. And when the time comes we’ll sample the fruit of our work together. We already have nearly a dozen varieties of hot pepper reaching for the sun in our yard. But we stumbled across some more plants last night that we couldn’t say no to. Bhut Jolokia (Ghost Pepper). Trinidad Scorpion. Carolina Reaper.

I don’t know what the lesson to be taken from this might be. Enjoy the simple moments together? Spend the time while you can? Take your cues about life from the cycle of nature?

The point is that we’ll have this time together today and then it will pass and be a memory. So I’m going to make it the best day possible in hopes that it becomes a fond memory. And perhaps there will be a lesson for tomorrow that we can take from it.

Finally, I realize that I’m being a touch overwrought. The boy is going to high school, not off to war. And lest I overplay this, know that there is time. For me, for the boy, for you. There is time. Until there isn’t. So use it well. Don’t take it for granted.

I don’t know what the meaning of this day should be. But I think my friend would say the lesson is to be careful about what you choose to put in your mouth, be it spreadable cheese product, fermented rice alcohol or capsaicin. Maybe there is something more. In any case, words to live by.

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